Well hello blog fans. Do I have any? Had my 2nd interview for the Video-journalist job in Reading tonight. It went well. I ashould know something in a few weeks.

Met a really nice lady tonight at a friend of mine's house. Her and Ben want me to help her run her medieval/goth clothing company. She also has an apartment to rent in Reading. Really cool pagan lady. Very earthy but not a lunatic. We spent several hours talking. Iam a bit skeptical abut the clothing thing. I know she's making money hand-over-fist but I am trying to figure how I can devote time to help her and still make enough money to support myself. We'll see what happens.

Now for the rant of the day!

People, you know who you are, I work at a gas station. I pump gas, I ring up your bills, I even fix flats, and give directions. I AM NOT THE DALI LAMA!!! I am not there to make your lives more fulfilled. You show up at 630pm with whatever problem and you expect me to magically make it all better. Even after I explain that I AM NOT A MECHANIC, you persist and expect me to fix your life. Plan your days better. Learn to pump your own gas. I had some lady today come in with her rearview mirror dangeling and she expected me to take care of it. I explained to her that she would have to come back tommorrow during business hours and talk to the mechanics. She huffed and said "Well if I had the glue, I'd do it myself!"

Then WTF are you doing hasselling me? I pointed out that Walmart was less than a mile down the road and it was like I had spawned the possibility of thought within her cranium. How do these people exist in every day life? When the toaster burns their toast, do they call the toaster guy at 6AM? NO! They just make another piece. They adapt. I hope to god they do.

I am convinced some people should be neutered at birth. Hey you outta the gene pool and quit peeing in the shallow end!!!

I am spending my birthday playing golf with my brother. Everybody....HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO JOE!!!!!

Thanks to Blograt for covering my shift tommorrow night.

Let's see. I am on Day 4 of the Atkins Diet. I've lost about 3-5 pounds so far. The bloodsugars have comedown by about 70 pts so far. I am hoping the diet alone will get them under control. We'll see.

Took the HIV test Tuesday. Now the wait until the 2nd of July. Hopefully good news. It's the hypo-condriact (sp?) in me that worrys so much. Don't know what I'd do if I came up positive.

Good news, I had a interview of sorts at Channel 69 for a videographer in Reading. They've checked my references and I have the 2nd interview tommorrow night at 730. Hope I get it. If not, I have this security job that is in process of checking my background. Either way, I should be ok.

If I get the 69 job, I will mostl likely have to move to Reading as soon as possible. That lady that Ben knows might be able to help me out.

Cruising into my 36th birthday on the 28th. Also time for my annual HIV/AIDS test. I hate these things. I know I will be ok but it's that weeklong wait until you know for sure.

Also, I am starting the Atkins Diet tommorrow. The goal is to lose 65 pounds. I'd like to do it by the end of the year but that may be a bit too ambitious. Only 20 mgs of carbs a day for the next 2-4 weeks. Yikes. BUt I am loving the other part of it, steak, pork chops, and lots of veggies. I need to do this for the diabetes. Maybe the weight loss will lower the bloodsugars so I don't have to worry anymore. A friend of mine is on it with his wife and they seem to be doing well.

My brother stopped by the other day. Was pleasantly surprised. We are going to get together for my birthday for breakfast, maybe longer if I can find someone to cover my shift at work.

The roomies were away for a few days. In a way it was nice having the place to myself and the cat. I even remembered to feed him. Yay Me! I am really looking forward to my own place. It's not them, I just don't do the roomate thing well. I am too set in my ways. George is suppossed to talk to a friend of his to see if the place above the pizza shop on 19th street in Allentown is open. If I get it, that'll put me about 5 blocks from my old place near the Fairgrounds. I loved that place. Well wish me luck with that and the job search.

A friend told me today I am a wanderer, like Jack Kerouac. She said while that isn't necessarily a bad thing, she wasn't sure if wanderers have a place in todays world. We talked about how I have felt since I have been back in Pennsylvania. I feel like most people, beyond lip service, don't really care one way or the other about me being back. Maybe I am a wanderer and most people can't depend on me because of the situations I have found myself in. Well I'm sorry if my life is an inconvience to you people. Try living it. By the point I have asked you for help, I have already exhausted every option I can think off. I am tired of this feeling that no-one connects to me anymore. All I want is to matter to people. Isn't friendship enough anymore? It would be nice if people would call you up or just show up and go "Let's go get a hotdog....go see a ballgame...etc". Even though Scott (in NM) could be an overbearing bastard at times (not a complaint really, just an observation), at least he or Deb would show up at my door and to see what was going on. I know they only lived 2 doors away, but they did this regularly. No more than 2 days would go by without Scott sticking his head in the door. Hell, I haven't an unprompted phone call from my brother in years. I know he's busy but what does it take to just call or stop by at the gas station on the way home.

PEOPLE...stop trying to blow me up!!! I had to tell some lady at full serve today to shut her car off 3 times. Fuel vapors hover near the ground right near your exhaust pipe and the engine. You know the battery and spark plugs!!!! Use your freaking brains, will you?

Well, I hope I hear from one of these 3rd shift jobs soon. Otherwise, there is zero chance of finding my own place to live by the end of August. If I have to I will move into one of those motel rooms by the week arrangements. Those run like $100 a week but what can you do. I won't be able to save any money if I have to do that, at least not with just the gas station.

Applied for a third shift job as a secirity guard. I need to make scads of money in order to save up enough to get my own place. With my credit rating, I am hoping I can come up with enough extra to put down so someplace will take me. I don't need much space. A place about the size of 19th street would be sufficient. Still it may require me to move into one of these weekly motels before I can save up enough.

Went out with Carissa to Denny's last night. It was nice, we haven't done that in awhile. She's taking a shower right now. She sings in the shower....not just a song, but the entire 1st act of a musical. Kinda cool.

I have the night off, but I have no idea what I want to do. I don't want to sit at home..maybe George will actually return a call.

Another day. Got a response from one of the social sites I am on. I may actually have a date soon. Maybe the worm is about to turn. Nothing otherwise.

Just got back from the movie "The Italian Job". It wasn't bad for a heist movie. I love those. All those 60-70s spy/heist/espionage films were awesome. Charlize Theron is pretty amazing looking considering I don't think she wears alot of makeup. I know wherever in the world she is (probably South Africa....yes folks she's a real African American) she is resting better in the knowledge that I approve of her level of makeup. In that same vein, Madonna is ready to chew on a bullet. Narf.

Finally dragged my depressed ass out of the house and went to Borders Book to hang out. It's ok Carissa, I didn't buy anything. Yet. Then I went to Palace Pizza in Whitehall; another stop on the Erica memory thrill ride. I also happen to like their pizza.

I am puzzled by my moods swings. It is one of the things about being a depressive or manic-depressive; you never trust what you are feeling. Is this really me or is this the "thing" making me feel like this? It's exhausting.

Realized I am tired of living my life in fear of this that and the other thing. Playing it safe has gotten me nowhere. I need to become reacquainted with who I am...whoever or whatever that is. I seem to have forgotten me. I get glimpses of him every so often. I am tired of being this fearful reclusive person. The further I stay like this the more I know I will never meet someone. Now the trick is to stop being that person.

For the past 6 months or so, I have tried, in my mind, to process the idea that I am one of those people who will be alone for the rest of their life. I don't mean the friends I have; I mean solemate type. Some people never do meet that person. Look around you, you see lots of people everyday who are alone and most likely will be. Perhaps it's as Buddha teaches to let go of all attatchment. This desire for a solemate and connection with a woman on the soul level is sapping me. Letting go is a challange. I need to meditate more often.

Ok, so I didn't go to that SCA event. I was in bed this morning and I just didn't feel like getting up. I didn't want to go to the event and feel alone like I always do. I think the only reason I go there is to meet women (how patethetic am I?). I haven't faught in years and with the financial situation it is unlikely that I will do so anytime soon. So I figured WTF. So I have been laying around all day. I was having a dream I was talking to my brother. I also rememner feeling depressed and sad about Erica. Geez this sadness is invading my dreams. I remember FEELING upset. I can't remember feeling anything in my dreams in a long time. This is getting bad.

As I am sitting here trying to figure out what I want to do. There's no-one around I want to hang out with. And the people I do, are always too busy. When did my life become this? Maybe I should move back to New Mexico.

It's still raining, so I decided setting up a tent at midnight in the rain isnt my type of fun. Iwill head up tommorrow morning. Something I read in today's paper that irked me. The city of Bethlehem and a few other groups sponsored an art program that involves decorating resin mules. Why mules? I'm not sure yet but I imagine there is a perfectly "normal" explanation. More on that later. These were then displayed around town. Apparently, several people felt that cow tipping and rendering themselves more incoherent than normal got together and detroyed and defaced these. One was even blown apart partially by a M80 (1/8 of a stick of TNT for those of you not explosively inclined). WTF? What's the point in this folks? For you destructive wankers, if you feel like destroying useless articles from the face of the earth, perhaps you should take said explosive and strap one to each ear and light up 'bra.

It's because of this type of crap, that you should need a license and a reasonable degree of intelligence to breed.

Ok, I'm back. Geez this humidity is killing me. BTW it rained again today. I know we need it but I feel like I'm covered in saranwrap. Yeek! Suppossed to go camping this weekend, but I am seriously debating whether I want to be stuck in this weather. I am such a whiny bastard; hence the name of the blog.

I read somewhere that most of mankind leads their lives in quiet desperation. At which point, do you give up and just get those jobs that allow you to survive and realize you are never going to make it as a .....in my case, a filmmaker. Questions? Comments.

If I don't go away tonight I will write more tommorrow. If not, I'll see you all Sunday with news of my damp weekend.

Hello all. JUst checking in. What to write about? Well, a little back ground info that was nuked from that earlier post. My name is Joe and I am a 35 (soon to be 36)year old white male. I have just recently moved back to Bethlehem, PA from Albuquerque. I'll get into that later. I have a Bachelor's degree in Electronic Media from Kutztown University. That means I am qualified to program your VCR. Actually, my background is in film/video production. I used to own my own production company that did local commercials. Unfortunately, I couldn't compete with the local cable providers (It's that damn overhead) and I went out of business a few years ago. Since then, I've been trying to do the freelance thing to pay the bills.

In April 2002, a nasty chain of events caused me to move to New Mexico. I was working as a security guard (nice job- able to keep up on my reading) when my car gave up the ghost. Unfortunately, this prevented me from getting to work and I lost that job. Which in turn caused me to lose my apartment. So with no car and no job and no help from my family and friends, I packed up my stuff in a storage facility and moved to Albuquerque. I have friends out there who put me up for a few months. Albuquerque...nice place...gorgeous to look at. I was working for a satellite dish company when the economy caught up with me. Plus I had come back for my brother's wedding, when my grandfather passed away the next day. I realized where I needed to be was on the East Coast with my family (good, bad, or indifferent). I tried to transfer back with my company but after several months of lost requests and BS, I quit and came back here. Currently, I am working in a gas station. I work with Dogratbarks (www.dogratbarks.blogspot.com) and NO I an not the co-worker he was going on about. It's a decent job, just wish it paid better. The boss is a great guy, who doesn't screw with you.

Well thats the Readers Digest version. I need to run out and do a few thngs, but I will write more this afternoon. Just thought you'ld like to know who I am.

Does this thing work? Was having problems getting the original page to publish right, so I have had to create a new page. Viola! Thanks to dogratbarks for letting me know about this spot.