Just got back from the movie "The Italian Job". It wasn't bad for a heist movie. I love those. All those 60-70s spy/heist/espionage films were awesome. Charlize Theron is pretty amazing looking considering I don't think she wears alot of makeup. I know wherever in the world she is (probably South Africa....yes folks she's a real African American) she is resting better in the knowledge that I approve of her level of makeup. In that same vein, Madonna is ready to chew on a bullet. Narf.

Finally dragged my depressed ass out of the house and went to Borders Book to hang out. It's ok Carissa, I didn't buy anything. Yet. Then I went to Palace Pizza in Whitehall; another stop on the Erica memory thrill ride. I also happen to like their pizza.

I am puzzled by my moods swings. It is one of the things about being a depressive or manic-depressive; you never trust what you are feeling. Is this really me or is this the "thing" making me feel like this? It's exhausting.

Realized I am tired of living my life in fear of this that and the other thing. Playing it safe has gotten me nowhere. I need to become reacquainted with who I am...whoever or whatever that is. I seem to have forgotten me. I get glimpses of him every so often. I am tired of being this fearful reclusive person. The further I stay like this the more I know I will never meet someone. Now the trick is to stop being that person.

For the past 6 months or so, I have tried, in my mind, to process the idea that I am one of those people who will be alone for the rest of their life. I don't mean the friends I have; I mean solemate type. Some people never do meet that person. Look around you, you see lots of people everyday who are alone and most likely will be. Perhaps it's as Buddha teaches to let go of all attatchment. This desire for a solemate and connection with a woman on the soul level is sapping me. Letting go is a challange. I need to meditate more often.