First my rant for the week. I am now working in Redner's Supermarket as a stock clerk. God the things I'll do for $7/hr. Anyway as I was blocking all the shelves and making it generally a pretty place to shop, I noticed what appearred to be 35-50 different boxes of fruit snacks. You know what I mean, the little bags of gelatineaous fruit candies that kids seems to love. Other wise why would there be 50 different types that WE carry? They're fruit snacks. There are no differences in the stuff except that there is one box for Justice League of America, one for Elmo, one for The Muppets, one for Hot Wheels, and OH MY GOD several different boxes for each of the Backstreet boys. Apparently, you can chew on the fruity nuggets of the boy-band geek of your choice. How stupid are people anyway. Geez!!!!

And now for other stuff in my mind.

Haven't been sleeping well the last few weeks. My ulcer is coming back. At least, I hope it's an ulcer. I am still convinced that I am going to die before I see my 40th birthday. Face it, my diabetes is out of control medically. I have all the signs of it getting worse. Wounds that take forever to heal...that kind of stuff.


I was laying in bed this morning and my mind started racing about where my life is or isnt as the case may be. Ikeep thinking coming back to Pennsylvania was a mistake but I know I felt equally as hopeless out there. I came back full of hope that things would finally be getting better. I knew moving in with Carissa and Jared was only temporary but I really thought I would have something stable within a few months. As usual, things haven't worked out like I had hoped. And in the process, I prpobably ruined a great friendship with Carissa. Part of me wants to persue video/film again but I am afraid I am no good at it any more. I haven't really shot anything in awhile and I am afraid of failing horribly. Rationally, I know this is bullshit but its this fear and anxiety that paralyzes me like it did this morning.


I liked myself a whole lot more when I was in control of my life and now I am plagued with thoughts that I didn't give New Mexico a chance really. I amthinking of going back to college for Political Science and then maybe law school. I was good at school once and I miss the challange of accomplishing something for myself.


Working at the supermarket is nowhere close to satisfying. Still its a job but it has no real future. I just hope to god something comes along soon. I can't keep staying with Derek and Roseanne. The dilema: There are more jobs in the Lehigh Valley than here, but I can't afford to live in the LV on a single shitty salary. And we all know my track record as a roomate. I annoy people and ruin friendships.


This all so frustrating and I know its BS but I cant seem to escape this cycle. Scott was right about me having a self-destructive trait. I wish I knew how to stop it, I was always like this.