Haven’t written in quite some time. It’s about 2:30 AM, even though this won't get posted until later on this morning when I go back online. Can’t sleep. Mind is racing. Paul and Roseann stopped by to visit Ben and we had a nice dinner. During the evening, Roseann talked to my about the mother of one of the alleged victims writing Paul. Now, Paul is the president of our local medieval group, and he has been trying to be supportive of all people involved with this situation. I can understand that. Paul is a probation officer and I know he is torn by the charges against Ben. In Roseann’s opinion this woman is trying hurt her husband by playing up to him. I advised her to send any relevant emails to Ben’s lawyer. About an hour ago, she sent me copies of all of these email discussions and I read them. Now I wish I hadn’t. I have to face Paul about knowing about these emails. I can’t lie to him about it. I won’t divulge the contents of those emails to anyone. I will only suggest that he turn them over to the attorneys.

This woman can’t understand why many people in the group aren’t treating her the same. She questions how we can claim to idealize a life of chivalry and honor, but can’t extend that to her and her child. She even mentions my name with regards to my public support of Ben. This has churned up lots of feelings in me about the whole situation.

Now Ben has always Ben weird and socially limited, but I have never thought him to really be capable of these charges. Is it possible? Yes, I guess so because you never really know what goes on inside someone’s head. I know this past summer at Pennsic, when a friend mentioned that Ben was taking minor children down to the classic (clothing optional) swimming hole with parental permission, I immediately went to Ben and questioned him on the appropriateness. I would never take anyone’s child anywhere like that with, or without, parental permission. While I believe it is within the rights of these parents to give whatever permission they see fit, I cautioned Ben that many people would not and that he didn’t need that kind of trouble. He explained that at nudist colonies this type of behavior is acceptable. Does this make him a child molester? No, I don’t believe so. He just has really poor judgment in my opinion with regards to this situation.

Now I have never seen anything that really gave me reason to not trust Ben around children, in the 12 years I have known him. If I had ever seen anything illegal I would have turned him in. My experience says to me that Ben is not capable of this and therefore nothing has changed. If something were to prove that Ben did these things, well then I would no longer be able to be associated with him. Period. I just can’t change my opinion of the man based on a horrible accusation alone. Now there are a lot of charges and if I didn’t know Ben as I feel I know him, I would most likely have some doubts, but I would still give him and the kids their day in court. I have to believe in our justice system, flawed as it is. I have to believe the truth will come out. Anything is possible. Ben is possibly a monster. These kids are possibly lying or have been coerced into giving false testimony. I just refuse to change my belief structure based on as-of-yet unproven allegation.

There are all kinds of stories running around. People claiming that they were there when the police told the kids what they should be saying. A lot of kids and parents are coming out with these stories. Are there cases of police misconduct in cases such as this? Yes. Are there cases of larger numbers of children being coerced into telling concocted stories by police and investigators? Yes. Are there cases of children willfully lying to protect themselves or get back at adults? Numerous. Are there people who molest children and have done so with anyone being the wiser? Yes. Did their lifelong family and friends have any idea? I would wager that 90%+ didn’t.

There are two major groups of kids making these accusations and they have very little in common other than Ben. That is troubling, I’ll be honest. One group of kids was caught having sex in Ben’s family’s barn a while ago. He confronted them. Could this be retribution? The mother I mentioned earlier seems to have been ignored romantically by Ben. Jealousy? Possibly. This mother admitted to me awhile ago before this started that she was raped ad her child is a product of that attack. Could there be something there? Too many unknowns. I have only “known” this woman and her child for a few months. Ben, I have known for 12 years.

In my mind when a full grown man is said to have forced anal sex on children, ranging from 10 to 14 years old, and they claim it didn’t hurt, that seems curious. I know how much pain I was in when I had my last prostate check. People I know to have been raped and saw these children in the courtroom say these kids weren’t attacked. Can they be wrong? Yes.

There are so many unknowns. So I stay with what my experience tells me is the truth. And I lose sleep thinking about the possibility (however small) that one day I may learn that a dear friend is a horrible monster and that I never really knew him. I pray to God that I am not wrong, that I didn’t miss something.

So to anyone who suggests that I am glib with my support of Ben, you only know what I put forth publicly. Don’t think I place this loyalty easily.

And to think my day started out so wonderfully. I met a wonderful woman, Lisa, a few months ago and I really feel like this is something special. Someone I can completely open up to. The sound of her voice just lifts me. I know it is early but there’s something real here. She matches me on the best and worst parts of my personality. She actually understands my Irish temper and considers it healthy. She says it would be weird if I never got angry. We will spend part of our days at work sending emails and sending cell text messages concurrently about 2 different conversations. How geeky are we? At 36, I may have finally met my match. She says I keep her sane…I keep her sane! I feel like a part of me has awakened. Thru her I can trust my own feelings. And we fit together emotionally, physically, and spiritually.

Well it is 3:30 now and I need to try and relax and sleep. I need to start writing this all down before it eats me alive.